Hey guys!! Can I be real with you all?! Some people may know me as the dingy, shy, social bird, awkward, and smiling girl with a sweet personality. But, behind all that, was a girl who was going through depression, anxiety, doubt, fear, YOU NAME IT!. Like I discussed in my pervious blog post, I was walking around like the walking dead. I was seriously dying inside and had so much anger, sadness, and regret built up inside of me. There were some events in my life that really triggered my depression and anxiety. Here is how it all started……
I was Molested….When I was younger, I was molested by someone close to me. At such a young age, I didn’t know any better. I was naive to basically and practically everything. I don’t really like talking about it and sometimes I forget it had happened to me. But as I grew older, I started realizing that I never really trusted men and people in general. I didn’t like people touching me at all, like NOBODY! I didn’t even like giving hugs to people. I would always start off with a hand shake. It was just last year that I told my parents in therapy that I was molested. I think at that moment, I was actually comfortable to be 100% honest with my parents for the first time . They told me they always knew something was wrong with me growing up (because I wouldn’t look at people in the eyes, didn’t talk much, always get mad, bad attitude towards them, etc.). My relationship with my parents was at times rocky and I was very secretive towards them. I was so glad I was able to tell them. I felt like a big weight was lifted off my shoulders and they were very supportive.
Senior Year of High School…I always considered my self an “average” student. I would always do my homework, do after school activities, etc. I was a good student and I even graduated with a college prep diploma which was a big deal at my school. In the state of Ohio, there is a state test called OGT (Ohio Graduation Test) that every student must take in the 10th grade. It is a 5 part test and there is a certain score you must pass in order to graduate. Well as for me, I was able to pass all four parts expect for ONE! Which was the science portion. Now, the science portion of the test in considered the most difficult part. Well, I took that science part almost 5 times and still couldn’t pass it for some reason. Even the smartest people I knew in my class couldn’t seem to pass it themselves. Well, when it came time to take it one last time before graduation, I ended up failing it. I remember that day like it was yesterday. My counselor pulled me out of my Spanish class to “talk to me”. I thought she wanted to discuss more about my school options for college. Well I thought wrong. She told me I failed the science part again BY ONE POINT and I would not be able to graduate with my class. I was so devastated. I don’t think I ever cried that much in my life lol. I was so scared how everyone was going to react. I thought everyone would think I was stupid or something. I had a party planned and everything. I just could’t believe it had happened to me. It made me really depressed. I stopped eating, hid in my room all the time, didn’t hang out with friends that much, and wanted to quit singing in church. But, by God’s grace, I was able to take it that summer (Passed!), graduated, and went to college in 2010!
My breakup….Man, my breakup in 2013 was probably the one that made my depression more severe. It really took a lot out of me. I ended up basically losing my best friend in the process. Someone I basically confide in when times were hard for me, hurt me. I literally told him everything. It was harder for me because I couldn’t seem to trust anyone anymore. It made me so BITTER. In my mind, I was thinking “man, who’s going to love me, who’s going to hear me out when I am down, and how will I move on. It’s been four years since I last been in a relationship. I will continue to wait patiently and work on myself until God sends me the right person who is destined for me.
Broken Friendships/Family….Dude it seems like every year I started losing friends and family members left to right. And I am not talking about death wise. I am talking about no more being friends, blocking you, don’t ever talk to me type of relationship. I consider myself loyal to all my loved ones and I will do absolutely everything for them. It came at a point where I would always and I mean ALWAYS put everyone first before my own self. Once I kind of stepped back and put myself first, I started losing friends. I realized I was pleasing them so much for them to stay in my life. I hate losing friends because it would always put me in a bad mood. I thought everything was my fault and I would blame myself for literally everything. I started changing my mind set and putting myself first again. I had to start telling myself “If I lose someone, but find myself, I won”. It was draining me so much pleasing people that I had to pump the breaks. I’m grateful that now I have stuck through with my day one’s and they have never left my side.
I know this was a lot to read but, this is some of the events I went through that has shaped me to become the person I am today. All these lesson, incidents, and situations has taught me to be strong and a better person. That is why I am very grateful for my God, family/ friends, and therapy. Therapy itself has helped me in so many ways. I had to find out what truly makes me happy and stick with it. I enjoy reading, meditating, traveling, working, writing, listening to music, going to concerts, and hanging out with people I love. It keeps me busy! I also found therapeutic ways that will keep me sane. Some of the main therapeutic ways that has helped calm my anxiety and depression were…
- Keep God in my mind ALWAYS!
- Take a deep breath and meditate.
- Accept the fact that I do get anxious
- Focus on the “right now”.
- Talk positive in any situation
- Write my thoughts down when I get overwhelmed
Alright guys stay tuned for my next blog post and as always…
Stay blessed and love always,