For many years, I had been holding in so much crap. Something was wrong with me and I couldn’t open up to anybody – not even my close friends and family. I knew something was wrong because I’d get upset and annoyed every second for no apparent reason. I had so many dark moments throughout the past couple of years, that I literally wanted to end it all. I was close to committing suicide – twice! I know! Suicide! What?!?!
There was so much happening and all at once, like a domino effect. Going broke, not finding a good job, family/friends drama… Bruuhhhh, it was just too much for me to handle. I couldn’t find a way to balance everything that was happening in my life and going through my mind. My mind would race every second. I couldn’t sleep at all during the night because I just couldn’t stop thinking and worrying. I’d also get caught up in messes. Always being in the wrong situation-ships with guys, saying ‘yes’ to people when I really wanted to say ‘no’…the list goes on and on.
At one point, I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I was clueless. I would go days without looking in the mirror because I was so disgusted with myself. I just couldn’t figure out what was going on because I was so broken and damaged inside. I believe in God very much but I just felt out of place with my faith and myself.
One day, I finally decided to confide in my mother and told her something was wrong with me, and that my mind was all over the place. I wanted to put the past behind me and move on with my life, so I opened up to her about some previous things that were still haunting me in my 20s (I will discuss the details in my next blog post). While sharing everything with my mom, she asked me, “have I ever thought about seeing a therapist?” Wait, pause! I was so shocked that she suggested a therapist because my mom is such a prayer warrior. She always tells me to pray about everything and that God will take care of all my worries. I was so glad that my mom suggested that I should go see a therapist because the crazy thing is that I have always wanted to see a therapist so badly. However, I was hesitant because one, being a Christian and being a firm believer, I always knew to pray about everything and let God work. Two, I thought my family and friends would think I was actually ‘crazy.’
So, I carried on with life; kept on praying and still walking around like the walking dead LOL! I knew and felt something was mentally wrong with me but carried on anyway. It wasn’t until my old manager at Wells Fargo also suggested that it’d be best I see a therapist and to get “checked out”. My first initial thought was “only the depressed and people with anxiety go to therapy.” However, at that moment, I gathered my senses and realized, “oh shit, I am depressed and have bad anxiety” LOL. I felt like this was taking over my life and couldn’t take it anymore so I eventually went and found myself a therapist through my insurance provider. Even though I was skeptical and thought this therapy thing would be a joke, I went with it because I really needed the help. I wanted to see if someone can help me connect the dots in my life.
“Omg I can’t believe I am here” was what I was thinking the first day I went to therapy. I NEVER imagined in a million years that I would ever go to ‘therapy.’ My thought was, “what can a stranger who has never met or known anything about me possibly do or say to help me?” I remember that day like it was yesterday. I walked in with my mother and just started cryingggg! (I am such an emotional person, bear with me people LOL). The therapist and my mom looked at me like, “what the heck is she hiding in that soul of hers?”
My first therapy session went so well. It blew my mind. My therapist made me comfortable and helped me realize it was ‘okay’ and normal to go through ups and downs in life. Like I said before, I was thinking, “what could this lady possibly tell me or do to help me out?” I majored in psychology so I kind of knew (well so I thought) where this was going. But I felt so good spilling out things from my past that could help me connect the dots. My mom was such a great supporter. It blew my mind because I was so nervous.
I have been going to therapy now for over a year. Honestly, seeing a therapist is the best thing I have done for myself in my 20s. I don’t want people to think, “oh, therapy is for ill people” or whatever. That is not the case at all. With the help of my therapist, I have connected the dots in certain areas in my life that makes sense to me now in my adulthood. She has taught me so many therapeutic things I can do at home, school, work, and in my everyday life which can help calm my depression and anxiety (I will share this in a future blog). It has helped me very much!!!
So, my loves, do not feel like therapy is a waste of time. Trust me! It has helped me get through some rough times. I know therapy is a taboo, especially in our African and African-American community, but mental health is real and I hope to continue to shine a light upon it. Each day, I am progressing and as of now, my depression and anxiety are not as severe as they used to be. I know I have many more things to improve on but it’s my journey.
I can’t wait to share more about all the therapeutic techniques that I have. Please stay tuned. XOXO.
Stay blessed and love always,